Everything You Want To Know
(And a couple things you probably don't)

Morituus' Mercs

     There are some people, clerics in particular, who hate eq mercs with an absolute passion and credit them with hastening EQ's decline. Even those that enjoy their services find it odd for Morit to dedicate so much thought to what's basically a glorified npc pet/familiar. Not only does Morit keep them out even when he's no where near combat... he also talks to them in group chat, gives them food and drink, and he even used to yell at one of them when it wasn't doing it's job (he used to go all 'Mel Gibson' on Stinky).

     But for Morit, that's part of the fun. Treating his mercs like they were actual people (even when there are actual people in the group) helps break the tedium of long camps and often helps everyone cope with the frustration of repeated deaths while trying to tackle harder content. He makes it a point to give each of his mercs a unique nickname and personality, and interacts with them accordingly. In addition to his own mercs, he did this with the all other Snakegod members' mercs as well (Mr. Clean, Mini-Morit, Goldenrod, etc). The stories of some of these other mercs are actually pretty interresting, but there would be way too many to list here if you included the whole guild.



Real Name : Heabbin Race: Halfling Class: Cleric - Journeyman 1
     There is no "smell" in EverQuest. But if there was... we all know that halflings would reek. When mercenaries were first introduced, Morit (without thinking) went out and bought a male halfling cleric and immediately started calling him "Stinky" in honor of Vorp. Morit had a good laugh for a couple minutes, but soon realized that he was now stuck with two ugly rodents as his constant companions (instead of just one, since he always hangs out with Vorp). Stinky would often forget to heal and was constantly getting lost. He was so bad at his job that Morit spent more time berating the halfling for stealing his hard earned plat than actually getting anything accomplished. It was a happy day for Morit when Snakegod finally completed the last of the Oceangreen progression tasks.



Real Name : Beastona Race: High Elf Class: Cleric - Journeyman 2
     Having learned his lesson with Stinky, Morit's next merc was a female high elf. Having set the precedent of giving their mercs nicknames (because SOE's default ones are terrible), Morit settled for the rather dull "Bea" in favor of having to awkwardly refer to her as "Beast" or "Stoner". Bea was a huge improvement from Stinky. Still, Morit couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. One day he suddenly realized that, like her uninspired nickname, Bea was just plain boring - all business, no fun. When Snakegod emerged victorious from the Kithicor theme, Morit thanked Bea for her services and quietly released her from her contract.



Real Name : Criolani Race: Human Class: Cleric - Journeyman 3
     Morit decided he needed more personality from his mercs and decided to go with a human next. Aside from being naturally bustier than high elves, humans are also a more primitive race and Morit felt that this primal nature would provide more entertainment than the stuck up high elf did. "Lani" (or "Lani-girl", as Morit affectionately called her) would not disappoint. In addition to being more personable than both his previous mercs combined, she was also an excellent healer. A sharp increase in difficulty from the previous tier made the Scale theme missions particularly challenging for Morit and company, so Lani's expert skills were greatly appreciated. Her fun personality, combined with the tough struggles they went through together, caused Morit to develop a special affection for Lani. When they finally beat the last of the Tier 3 progression missions - a feat that was in heavily in doubt when they first started - Morit initially held on to Lani, refusing to upgrade to a higher tier merc. However, constant peer pressure from his guildies eventually took it's toll, and Morit eventually caved in and let her go. Morit later used the new merc name-change potions to re-name his bard's tank merc "Lanigirl" in memory of his beloved J3 merc.



Real Name : Stiunani Race: Human Class: Cleric - Journeyman 4
     Morit next went with another human merc, hoping that luck might be on his side and he would get Lani again (a tier 4 version). Sadly it was not meant to be, and instead he got a merc with frost white hair, a soul-piercing squint, and a flat chest. Although his new merc was kinda cute, Morit was still bummed about having to give up Lani and didn't even bother giving his new companion a nickname. Vorp stepped in and dubbed her "Gwen", because he said her name sounded like "Stefani" (I still don't see it...). Because the previous set of missions had given them so much trouble, Morit and the others had expected the Rathe theme to be a huge challenge - hence why he was pressured so much to upgrade his merc. Oddly enough, they blew threw the Rathe progression faster than any of the previous tiers and, for better or for worse, Morit hardly got to know Gwen.



Real Name : Trausona Race: Human Class: Cleric - Journeyman 5
     Having reached the "Promise Land" of tier 5 mercs, Morit decided he wasn't going to settle for whatever the liaison gave him. If he couldn't get Lani, he was going keep re-buying mercs until he got a brunette with shoulder length hair. Unfortunately, the RNG had different plans and spit out a continuous stream of "penis hair" mercs. This is how Morit's first tier 5 merc became known as the "one-million platinum merc", but that was too long to type out in the heat of battle, so it never became her actual nickname. Nobody could come up with a good one (because her real one was so dumb) until someone made the comment that her name sounded like some type of dinosaur. Morit settled on "Trex" because it was kinda like "T-rex", but could be considered feminine (kinda like "Trix").



Real Name : Makinna Race: Siren Class: Cleric - Journeyman 5
     Since they were at the max tier for mercs, Morit had thought that Trex would be his last one ever. However, he was later given the opportunity to get a siren merc. Amazingly, this new and incredibly sexy merc also had a great name, meaning Morit didn't have to waste time coming up with a fake one. Makinna is an obscure, yet beautiful name that means 'happiness', and there is actually a semi-famous actress who goes by that name (and NO, she's NOT a porn star!). Makinna the merc is as good a healer as she is sexy, and has even managed to surpass Lani as Morit's favorite merc. He's become so attached to the siren that he has absolutely no intention of trading her in, even if they ever do decide to increase merc tiers in future expansions.





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